Stop Yelling/Cussing at Young Athletes!

Intro

Until recently, yelling and cussing have been a primary means of communicating my frustration with my kids when it comes to their sports. I can blame it on the way I was raised, the fact that yelling and cursing was the norm ‘back in the day;’ or even that I yelled and cursed only to get the best out of my kids. However, knowing what I know now, those are all just excuses.

You see, I have an extensive and elevated experience as an athlete and administrator.  I was my high school’s all-time leading scorer in school history. I’ve been named an NCAA Division I All American, twice. I played professionally for 6+ years in the top leagues worldwide. I’ve even earned a law degree and become an Attorney while working in NCAA Athletic Administration.  Also, I am a High School Athletic Director and best-selling Author; meaning I advise Coaches and Parents on best practices. Despite all this accumulated knowledge, I couldn't stop yelling and cursing at my kids when it came to their sports.

I could go off at a moment’s notice, for anything at all; during a training, practice or after any game.  Maybe the form wasn't right, or the effort wasn't there, or the aggressiveness lacking, I would be on my kids to produce and execute at the highest levels.  Although I’m using past-tense, this is a very real struggle that I have only recently gotten in check, with much prayer and intentionality.

For many of the Parents I work with, yelling and cursing is almost an uncontrollable itch that must be scratched from time to time.  We arrogantly assume we are providing our kids with the  attitude, aggressiveness and ambition they need to succeed. But those are all excuses to take it too far. Just like racism, ignorance and bigotry are sorry excuses to treat people as less than, so too is yelling and cursing at our kids in this day and age.

Sport has evolved from amateurism to analytic, so should our thinking evolve on this subject.  Not only are times different and kids different, but we as parents are different. We have the benefit of living through being raised by a previous generation. This opportunity provides us with experience which allows us to separate the good from the not so good.

You see, yelling at our kids, no matter how wrong it may be, comes from a good place.  We want to be present, we want to provide accountability, we want to provide incentive; yet many parents never focus on better ways to execute on these desires. I know this was the case for me. 

What’s critical is we can no longer ignore our tendency to ‘go off’ from time to time. Although it occurs infrequently, illogically, and intermittently, these interruptions are resulting in substantial trauma to our young athlete’s engagement, encouragement and ultimately their elevation; which are the key components to their psychology as an athlete. 

If you can relate, I am here to help.

Cause 

Frustration

When a problem exists, we must first figure out the cause before seeking resolution. Parents first deploy yelling and cursing when out of frustration.  We are simply mad because they are not getting it.  But isn’t that why we put them in sport in the first place? We involve them in athletics because we want them to face challenges that will be difficult to overcome. If we wanted everything to be easy we would just put them in cotillion classes.

So it’s not that we are frustrated with the challenge, it's really that we are fearful that they wont get it.  That they will be left behind or considered less than.  We desperately want our kids to adopt a sense of urgency, now!  Why can’t they just get it!!?? The answer is because turning struggles to strengths takes time.  

We want them to figure it out as fast as we do. But we fail to realize that we have the benefit of decades of experience and education that they are just beginning to learn.  We have to let go of the fear that they will not experience breakthrough because that is a false illusion.

False Illusions

False illusions are another cause of frustration which can lead parents to yell and curse. We falsely assume our kids lack motivation, moxy or the fight it takes to succeed. This is false because they have our makeup; and no matter how much it may look as though they lack care, this is a false illusion. 

Always remember: your kid isn’t flawed they are just figuring it out.

A quick test to determine whether or not your kid cares is to gauge their engagement, encouragement and elevation.  Engagement: do they have an earnest drive to succeed?  Encouragement: are they encouraged, i.e. - do they believe they are capable of success? Elevation: are they elevating or showing continued signs of improvement?

If you answered yes to all three questions, then your young athlete has more than what it takes.  At this point your yelling and cursing isn't necessarily helping the process and it actually may be hurting it.

Feelings

Another cause of parents going off is because we can get in our feelings.  This was a big one for me because as an accomplished athlete, I expected my kids to dominate at all times.  Truthfully, I didnt even learn to dominate until I was a sophomore in high school and even then I lacked consistency. 

Still, we as parents allow our egos to supersede our kids' needs.  They may actually need a real pep-talk that seeks to find solutions to certain issues they are facing psychologically, physically or in their environment.  They may need words of encouragement or even physical affirmation in the form of a hug or pat on the back (I know, sounds soft right!).

The point is that when we operate in anger we throw away the ability to choose to deploy the right response that the situation calls for.  Our careers are over, it's time to let them find solutions to the test. 

Confidence

Now that we know the cause of why many parents yell and curse, it's time to find a solution.  The solution to our frustration, false illusions and feelings is cultivating confidence. Imagine seeing your kid struggle but not get rattled and instead take on the challenge by recognizing it, self-correcting and eventually overcoming that issue.  

Wow, now they really do deserve a hug! It's like seeing them clean their room or take out the trash without asking. Then you will find yourself yelling, ‘They finally get it!!!’ But if confidence is critical, how can they develop confidence if you are constantly depleting it?

What are some areas in which you have tremendous confidence? Perhaps it's in your job. You didn’t become confident in your job by getting yelled at and threatened everyday (unless you are a NAVY SEAL). You became confident in your job through continuous support, despite your mistakes, until you finally got it.  This applies to your confidence in any skill, relationship or hobby.  

Supportive communication provides confidence.  If you follow my content one word I'm always using is accountability.  Accountability is a huge part of any athlete’s development.  So I would never advocate that you lie to your young athlete or shield them from the truth which can help them overcome an obstacle.  The trick is to do it with care.

Provide accountability with care and caution. Whether we know it or not our kids hang on our every word. In fact, they are grown by the word seed we deposit in them. Much like our nutrition determines our chemical makeup (cells, organs, skin, etc.), our kids are made up of the words we put inside them.

Confidence is such a fragile thing. Going back to the example of becoming confident in your job, a relationship or a skill. Can you think of a time when your confidence became rattled? Perhaps you did not get a promotion you thought you would, or perhaps a good friend said something bad about you, or maybe you attended a competition and found your skills lacking.  

Any of these occurrences can deal a huge blow to our confidence. All that work, all that time, has to be restarted in order to regain confidence.  Consider this the next time you feel the urge to yell or curse. 

Correction

Now that we have established the cause and solution to yelling and cussing our young athlete, we must establish a systematic solution to see sustainable results.  Luckily, I have just the solution!  These steps have allowed me to check myself, remain in my right mind and take on the situation with the mindset of a steward in a relationship rather than a psychopath on a rampage.

Step Away & Sigh Aloud

This step is key because you must release the negative energy that is literally boiling up inside you.  It is virtually impossible to stay angry when we turn away and breathe. Get up from that bleacher or leave the room altogether; take in some fresh air and breathe. Extra points are available if you apply a mantra while you calm down! 

‘My kid is not flawed but figuring it out.’

 ‘This struggle will become my kid’s biggest strength.’

See Anew

The next step is to gain a new perspective around the issue. Perhaps your young athlete is inexperienced with this particular environment, skill or challenge. Maybe they had a bad night’s rest, are just returning from injury, or are playing up against more experienced athletes. 

Even if none of this applies, realize that struggle is a part of the process/progress so be thankful that your young athlete is facing a challenge that will ultimately be used to make them better.

Set Aside

Lastly, set aside a specific time to address this issue when you are much calmer.  I find that if I let the conversation rest until after going to bed, I awake to realize was never as bad as I thought it was.  Also, I am always more clear on what went wrong, possible solutions, and a more appropriate way to address the issue. 

These steps will not address your ego, but they will allow you to sustain confidence and psychological strengths within your young athlete.

If you are needing help getting your young athlete through struggle, book a Parent Playbook Phone Call using this link.